by Jennie Dilworth, Ph.D
Keywords: divorce, couple conflict, parenting
This is a question married couples frequently ask themselves when their marriages hit the rocks. Choosing to separate or divorce is never an easy decision, but the decision is even more anxiety-provoking for parents who worry about the effects of divorce on their children. Couples may ask, “should we stay together for the kids?” This very question has been the focus of a number of studies conducted over the last several decades.
Researchers have attempted to determine when divorce is actually beneficial for children and when it is best for couples to “stay together for the kids,” at least in the short term. Due to study design limitations, this question was not definitively answered until the landmark longitudinal study published by Paul Amato and Alan Booth in 2001[i]. This study was able to identify when divorce is likely to be beneficial or detrimental for children’s mental health, with some surprising results.
The study’s design allowed researchers to look at the mental health status of parents and children over time, comparing children in intact families with those whose parents eventually divorced. The role of family conflict in the mental health status of children was of particular interest in this study. Not surprisingly, researchers found that children whose parents stayed together in “high conflict” marriages developed significant psychological problems. For children in these families, witnessing ongoing parental conflict, either verbal or physical, had a corrosive impact on their sense of well-being. So, for parents who are unable or unwilling to get help to change this pattern, they should head to divorce court, for their children’s sakes.
But, what about children in families with low conflict? Does divorce impact these children in the same way? This was, perhaps, the most unexpected finding in this study. For children who lived with low-conflict parents, they were better off if their parents stayed married. In fact, for children in low-conflict families whose parents DID divorce, their psychological well-being was as devastated by the divorce as the well-being of children in high-conflict families who stayed together. Yes, you read that right: couples who have little conflict SHOULD stay together for the sake of their children, even if they feel their needs aren’t being met in that relationship.
This article was originally posted on Linked-In.
[i] Booth, A., & Amato, P. (2001). Parental pre-divorce relations and offspring post-divorce well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(1), 197-212. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00197.x